Missing Yourself

Deb our nurse navigator tried to warn us in Chemo 101 to take every little thing seriously. Rashes, runny nose, all the little annoyances you would immediately wright off as stress or seasonal all needed to be reported to the doctor. I remember her clearly saying "You will not be You." Referring to how we know our bodies and that during chemo it would be different. She wanted me to know that chemo will change my body so much that I shouldn't dismiss anything as that is just how I am.  I have found this to be the most accurate of all the things they prep you for. What perhaps they leave out is how much you will miss yourself. I miss myself so much right now.  I miss feeling like myself more than I miss my hair and I miss my hair a whole lot.  I have to imagine the people around me miss me too. Especially Hyrum, he tends to not say thing that would make me feel bad, but if I were him I would miss me too.

Whats worse than the frustration of missing the person I was is truly being annoyed with the weak, scared and very lame person I am left having to deal with. This person actually feels a sense of pride if they get out of bed long enough to do one load of laundry. It's pathetic. I have always been able to negotiate with any physical challenge. I was always very proud of that about myself.  When Bella was born it was a bit traumatic. The emergency C-section left her and I both in a state. She was down stairs and I was in the second recovery room. I couldn't feel my legs and was in quite a bit a pain.  I wanted to go see her and the nurses told me I couldn't until I could stand up to get into the wheel chair to take me downstairs.  Well that was all I needed.  Something to do.  It didn't matter I couldn't feel my legs or that it hurt, I stood up anyways. The problem with chemo is it is counter intuitive.  You have to let it work and it's work is to kill off some of you each time you go in. Your job is to not fight it.  To not stop or work against the thing that is killing you off.  It is amazing what that dose to your head.  

Going into this I mustered all my arrogance. I would be fine. I would continue school because I can handle anything. I had already been though radiation treatment.  I had 5 classes and never missed one.  I even ended the semester with a 4.0.  So why should I have to slow down for chemo?  It would be harder but so what.  I can do things that are hard because I am Victoria. Talented, smart and determined. Plans for school have been cancelled because I am no longer her. She would have had it in her to do school but I am no longer her.  Debs voice rings in my head. "You will not be You." It's ok though. It's like when a family member leaves for a mission or some other extended time when you know they will be back. They will have changed. They will have had experience added to them but and it takes a beat to recognize them but for the  most part they are the same old person. I look forward to waking up as myself again. In the mean time I will write her letters and think of the fun things will do when she get back.